DAMN RIGHT I AM THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM!
“You’re the only one who has a problem with it.” She confidently says to me with a tone of anger and frustration.
“They have no issue with it, they offered. No hard feelings there.”
My initial feeling was anger.
Quickly followed with sadness.
Then the internal dialogue came up with doubt, fear of loss and hearing her say that “I was the one with the problem.” Therefore, I was in the wrong. I should not have an issue. That was the tone, the message that was being sent. That I was caught in my ego and acting out of sorts, anyone else of sound mind would be totally good with this request. Afterall, no one else had an issue.
And I was falling prey to this lie.
I was instantly beating the crap out of myself for having this harsh emotion of being a fuckety-fuck-no to the request. Yet, every cell in my being was screaming no fucking way are we doing this. So I let space and time emerge, I took a breather for a few days. I allowed myself to just pause and ponder, busied myself with other things and only to touch in on this request as the days slipped by to see where I was really at. Funny, I was still a fuck no! I still had a problem with it. The only change was that the initial impact of the request, the overwhelming feeling of being pushed into a corner where I was suddenly found the villain for saying my truth had subsided and I no longer cared if I was seen evil or good or if anyone understood my stance. I started to realize one of the most important facts about respect, boundaries, control and love in relationships…
JUST BECAUSE YOUR THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS A PROBLEM, DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU ARE WRONG, EVIL, IN EGO OR VICTIMHOOD AND IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU NEED TO BE THE ONE TO BEND.
The shear statement – “You are the only one,” instantly says that you are on the outs. You are alone and you should want to do what makes you part of the community. It is a manipulation statement that we don’t realize is just this, but it is. It’s condemning others’ feelings, needs, and boundaries. It disregards the one who is being outcasted and says, “ if you want to fit in and be worthy of love and acceptance then you better get on board with what everyone else wants and is doing, and no matter your feelings, shush up and smile. That’s what a mature person would do.” And those saying this want us to do just that.
Now, granted most of the time, it’s subconscious. It is not a direct manipulation or control tactic. Our loved one’s don’t mean to cause emotional damage by their requests and they certainly, most of the time have no ill intent nor would these same people stand there and say,” You need to shut up and be happy with being the doormat. This is all you deserve.” No, they most likely would say the reverse, “ I want you to be happy. I want you to tell me how you feel and what you want. I don’t want you to just smile and pretend.”
However when our loved one’s say, “ You are the only one with the problem,” The unfortunate reality is that THIS is exactly what they are asking of us and if you are a person who is doing their self-work, who is working on expanding their mind, heart and healing on all levels of your human existence then you most likely are facing these things called boundaries. You are most likely seeing how bad you have been at upholding healthy one’s in your past and how you have allowed yourself to be disrespected by all those you love and felt responsible for. You more than likely have noticed how much responsibility you have placed on your shoulders for everyone else’s feelings, thoughts and actions as well. And with that, have wondered why so many people just don’t see you, don’t hear your needs, and seem to disrespect you.
ONE PERSON HAVING A PROBLEM WITH SOMETHING IS ENOUGH.
Earlier today I was speaking with a friend who was going through a similar situation of feeling like she was the only one with a problem on a subject. She even said, “ I am the one with the problem, so…”
So what? So you have a problem and those who you have it with are okay with everything.
Right? Well, when someone crosses our boundaries, disrespects us, forces us into a situation we are not a yes to or did not give our consent too, of course they don’t have an issue with it.
Does the rapist have a problem taking sex that is unwanted from thier victim? No, they do not. They gained a feeling of power and pleasure in the moment. They may even further justify it by saying, “ Well they asked for it. – They said it was okay back here.- They dressed in a way that said otherwise. – They flirted.- We are married, it’s my right.” None of this means that it’s healthy or okay however. In this instance we can clearly look at the situation and say, rape is wrong. The person forcing their will is not in the right.
When I was speaking to my friend, I said “ The natzies had no problem killing the Jews. but the Jew had an issue with dieing.” Granted this is an extreme point ( and one I do not take lightly with my ancestral history of having a mother who managed to live through five concentration camps.), however the reality is, that if only one Jewish person had a problem, then that was enough of a problem to stop and pay attention. It again is easy to see that it was wrong and that the people who had a problem were right have so.
Let’s make it a smaller ticket item this time, shall we…
I have a client who is working on their marriage, and their spouse has been shut down for years around sex. Not wanting it that much and just giving it on birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas or just fulfilling a duty. One weekend the couple goes out for drinks and the spouse who is uninterested in sex starts flirting with another person and gets all touchy feely. When confronted they say, “ It’s not a big deal, I was just messing around. You are reading into it too much, nothing happened. Geeze, why do you have such a problem with it?” Yet the partner did have a problem watching their mate act like this and do these things. The person who was being flirted with did not have an issue with it, the spouse acting on what they wanted did not have an issue with it, so just because one person in this scenario had a problem, does that mean they need to adjust how they feel and just ignore it?
Granted, we live in a world of Karens.
And Karens seem to have a problem with most ridiculous things. They believe that the world should bend to their will and that their views, feelings and thoughts are all that is correct. These folks are not emotionally sound nor mature. I am not speaking about Karen events however. I am speaking about the reality that we humans tend to ask, demand, tell, expect our loved one’s to just shush and turn the other cheek. To disregard the past and to just do as they are told around subjects that we want a certain result or answer too.
Not thinking about how our demands impact the long term relationship, nor that it is okay and even healthy that our loved ones are being vulnerable with us and sharing their true feelings ( because that is what intimacy is, it is risking not being understood, heard, loved, etc or beings shunned even for speaking our authentic feelings). At times like this that we point the blame on our loved ones and say, “ Well you are the only one who has a problem,” expecting for them to change how they feel or just go along with something what we are saying is a great big, “Fuck You! I don’t care how you feel or why.” We are in these times disrespecting the relationship, our loved one as well as ourselves. We are acting as an authoritarian figure in the relationship, proclaiming proudly, “ Well you did this. You’re the one who had the problem, therefore this is what you get.” And we quickly look for justification by pointing to the past, to how someone might have been here or there, relying on our childhood wounding and fears ourselves to support that this person who is simply saying. “ I am not good with this.” as though they are personally attacking us and wanting for our demise.
So what is the answer?
We have all been on both sides of this relationship game most likely at some point. Here are some things to consider for the future:
- ONE PERSON HAVING A PROBLEM IS ENOUGH. – This is a request to be heard when someone says, “ I am a no to this. I have a problem with it.” Instead of jumping into defense mode, where you shut down all communication and can no longer hear the person nor communicate fully, take a breather and say, “ Okay, I hear you are a no. That this situation, event, request, etc. is not good for you. I would like to understand why you feel this way. It means a lot to me that this happens, however your feelings and our relationship means more. Can we talk about it?” This let’s the person know that they are valued and so is their relationship with you. That you are wanting to understand and wanting to find resolution. Find gratitude that they trusted you enough to tell you the truth.
- THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING CONTROLLING & WANTING RESPECT- Often in these situations, the person receiving the answer they are not wanting feels like the other is just trying to control the situation or them for whatever reason. They are hurt that their loved one would not feel the same as they do, and take it as a childish play of control. 98% of the time however, it is not about control, but respect. We all want respect in all of our relationships, having an assumption made about how we feel and then being told that we are the bad guy for not feeling the way that the other party wants us to is not love nor respect. It is a desire to have it only our way as the requester. If we are to have healthy relationships however, based in love and respect for all parties then we MUST be willing to allow others to have their own feelings and be able to share them honestly.
- RISK EQUALS INTIMACY- In a relationship we must be willing to risk that the other person may not agree with what we feel or want. This is what intimacy is. Without the trust in the relationship and in the other person, we will not answer honestly and therefore we will not allow true intimacy to form. When we receive an answer from a loved one that we do not like, our first response needs to be, “ Thank you for your trust in me and your honesty.” This is a response based in love, compassion and respect of both parties which helps to create and support intimacy and integrity.
- INTEGRITY MATTERS EVEN WHEN IT HURTS – We are a people who say that we want the brutal truth. That honesty is vitally important to us. That the only way we can trust another is if we have these things, yet we do not consider that our request means that we will most certainly come up against pain and disappointment in the relationship because if our loved one stands firm in integrity, they will not always be able to provide us the answer that we want.
- WHEN WE PUSH FOR THE ANSWER WE WANT WE CREATE DRAMA – When we are unwilling to respect and allow for someone else to have a different viewpoint or feeling about something WE are the creators of drama in our lives. It is we who are forcing a situation of miscommunication and pain by not accepting the difference and truth of another. We are also the ones who are forcing our will at these times, thus stomping on our loved one’s boundaries.
Human relationships are challenging.
Any human relationship goes through its ebbs and flows, and often we get caught in our desires, believing they are severe needs and assuming that if these false needs aren’t met that it is a sign that our loved one does not care about us or our feelings.
I have seen through the course of time this topic come up in multiple fashions, some not so severe, other life altering moments.
For both parties involved there is fear, anger, doubt and frustration. There is a feeling of not being seen or heard, not being cared for and a questioning of “how can my loved one do this if they really love me?” The answer is to want to hear your loved one more, to want to listen with your heart instead of from your reactive pain body where you are convinced that they are out to get you. Chances are neither party is wanting the other to be in pain, they are just wanting to be honest and share in vulnerability their truth and to be respected in the process.
Relationship does not mean that you will be given everything that you ask for.
It does not give you authority over another, nor does it mean that they should agree 100% with you or be willing to sacrifice themselves when they feel strongly opposed.
Relationships are about personal growth and coming together to understand each other at a deeper more compassionate level, even when that means that there is not a win-win scenario on the table.
The win here is the desire and willingness to allow for each person’s truth and to uphold that.
Where are you not allowing for your loved one to stand in integrity because it causes you too much pain and suffering?
As Always,
Stop existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
It’s time you stop accepting so little from your relationships, your love life and yourself.
It’s time that you stop turning away and making excuses for why things are not working and instead commit to the greatness of your life and love. You were born to live a life that is thriving.
Reach out to me today for sound education and coaching to do just this.