Yeppers, I just said that.
I admitted to having standby men.
It’s funny this morning sitting in bed with my man, having coffee like we do every morning together and scrolling through some articles and shares, we stumbled upon this very topic.
I was shocked at how many women admitted to having standby men and how many more said that it was the only way to have a relationship if you were a smart woman.
And in truth, I have been one of those women for many, many years.
When I got out of my almost 20 year marriage and began my journey of self-discovery and learning all about my likes and dislikes in men, sex and relationship I made it VERY well understood that I was not looking for anything long term, permenant or overly committed.
No ring going on my finger again.
And I held my heart close, I ignored and pretended that I was not caught up on my relationship wounds and that I had forgave both my ex-husband and myself for anything that was ill in our marriage.
And with all of this illusion to my truth, I entered the world of dating for the first time in my early thirties.
It was so exciting.
Men seemed to appreciate me, applaud me, desire me and court me. I had never felt such arousement of my ego and I ate it up.
In truth, these men supported my healing journey greatly and helped me to really feel comfortable in my own skin and expand myself in many areas, but their support stroked my ego and it became addictive.
A silent addiction that clouded my judgement and also made me hostage to trying to be so much that I was not at my soul to maintain and manage the multiple men in my intimate world.
I started to believe with great resilience that THIS version of me was the only version that could get a man, keep a man’s interest and that if I were to let out my true silly, introverted, nerdy “just a girl”self that I would be alone and unwanted.
And so I held my character.
I enjoyed what pleasures this “freestyle love” offered me.
And I believed that this was the way.
I was never going to really be seen, accepted or connected at the soul level that I wanted so I might as well take these beautiful, yummy connections of the mind, body and sometimes energy with a splash of heart as the best it is going to be.
After all they were often what so many would call orgasmic.
I was living in integrity.
I was stating exactly where I was at in my life, in my sex, in my relationship desires.
I was not asking for anyone to save me, support me or anything other than respect my boundaries and let me live my “open relationship” way.
For the most part I was happy.
Well, what I thought was happy.
I felt free.
But also alone.
And still unseen.
No space for this free love girl who is open in so many ways to ever be dim in her energy or turned-off even bored to the life that she had created.
I was hungry for depth.
I was hungry for soul passion.
I was hungry for alignment of the heart, mind, spirit and body.
I wanted to find someone who I did not believe existed.
And so, I found someone stable.
Spiritual, yoga, educated, open relationship minded.
And I thought that we could do life together well.
But I knew that I was a no to him forever.
I told him multiple times, “Do not ask me the question.”
My soul knew.
And so I found myself with a secondary partner to the one above.
Stable, playful, romantic, educated, spiritual. And so much more.
I thought, I wish I could do life with him.
I could see forever, but did I trust him fully?
No. But I wanted to.
And he asked me a few times if I would spend forever with him,
“And I smiled and said we will see.”
But my soul knew.
It knew I was a no.
That the trust could not be built.
And so I found myself in a state of fear.
Of my world being flipped upside down as I said goodbye to both of these men. And I said to spirit,
“I just want playful. Light hearted, not serious.”
And that is exactly what I got.
A man who was all of this.
And came with everything else that these can bring at times.
But I had been taught over the decade before to never put all your eggs in one basket.
That open relating was real love. And that if someone was not on board with you being open and sharing yourself that they were controlling you and too conditional/needy.
And so I had a black book of standby men.
Old boy friends, lovers and just friends.
Clients who did not want to be clients but something more.
Fellow coaches and a knowing that if none of these standby men,
pleased me that there was a sea of many more.
Once again, this relationship was supported by standby men.
You see, this man that I had called in, sure enough fit what I asked for, however he did not fit my mind, heart, body, life or soul.
He fit a moment on my life path.
And that’s it.
Much like the previous relationships, I did not feel safe with him.
I did not feel seen and accepted.
I did not feel challenged and encouraged to expand myself.
I did not feel true team.
The solidness that I craved was always lost in a fear that I could not be me. That I had to keep up the show.
And I felt his need not his want of me.
He was not centered.
Nor were the previous two+.
They all required standby men to hold my castle in place and light my towers.
Each standby man had his own skill, ability to pull something out of my personality like no one else, teaching me about my wants, needs and goals in love, life, relationship and business.
But no one man cut it fully.
And I truly did not believe that it was a possibility.
Now granted I still will be the first to say,
“It’s unfair to put one person in charge of all your needs.”
We cannot be everything for someone.
As humans we need multiple people/relationships.
Coming from monogamy to polyomoury and back even harder to monogamy, I do not say it lightly.
What I can tell you, is that 85% of supposed committed love based relationships are fake and destined to perish. I see it daily in my office. People hang onto relationships out of fear of not knowing what they will do next and that something is better than nothing.
They do not hang on because of soul love nor commitment.
What else I can tell you is that if more of us were to focus on doing our soul work we would discover a love and relationship that could handle the test of time. We would know at our core that we were a yes to them no matter what life presented.
When you are a YES to your true soulmate,
You feel it deep in your cells.
You don’t try and make things work with a soulmate,
you just do.
Because there is no other way.
When your soul says yes at this sort of level,
There is no room or desire for diluting the time, energy, heart and emotion that you want to share and give to this other person.
You are turned toward them,
focused and open fully to them.
You want to protect the love, the relationship and this other soul.
Suddenly what you deemed control you view as support and protection.
You see love where you saw fear.
So why do you need standby men any longer?
Why are you planning for failure before you even get started in a relationship?
Why are you covering all your bases?
If you feel called to have standby men realize THIS:
👉YOUR HEART & SOULS NOT IN IT! AND THIS RELATIONSHIP IS NOT THE ONE!👈
And that is what got me to say goodbye to all those standby men…
My need to control turned into surrender.
My surrender came from trust.
My trust came from witnessing.
My witnessing came from my heart’s pull.
My full immersion into trust, love and alignment with another.
None of these happen if souls are not truly aligned.
YOU WILL ALWAYS KEEP YOURSELF OPEN AS LONG AS YOU KNOW THAT HE’S NOT THE ONE.
(*the one in this story refers to ‘the one you can fully surrender to in heart, mind, body and soul, this may or maynot translate to a spouse figure.)
Stop EXisting & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Helping dynamite powerful souls like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women & men such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman or man who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today.