It takes courage to have self-love. 

The main reason we turn away from self-love or look for lesser versions of it is because it’s often the hardest decision we have to make that brings the most love and kindness. 


We humans are focused on this thing called the self, more so today than ever before in our history, however we have always wondered about, thought of and wanted for “the self.” We just used to look at it differently then we do today. It used to be about ( and in some cultures still today) looking at the self as separate or together, deverse or exclusive, conventional or non-conventional, conformist or independent. Our western world views the self as a separate entity which holds its own boundaries, ideas and independent identity. This idea of the self is in constant reflection about its worthiness, confidence, ability or disability around anything of importance to it, happiness, failure, success, doubt, fear, security, rights, and more. However, the self is NOT an entity of its own that just stands alone in the face of everything and is untouched. We experience this every day in our human lives where things can be going pretty damn great and then we receive a call from a loved one that shares something that impacts us and turns us toward unhappiness, a feeling of emptiness, confusion, loss, anger, etc. 

We are greatly impacted by our social, economical, political structures. These connections of our human existence play an impact on us and teach us if we are lovable or not. However, we are all lovable, it is just the programs that our interactions trigger inside of us that tend to make us feel that we are being confirmed in our beliefs or not. 


We look for confirmation. 

We look for what is familiar. 

The funny thing about beliefs is that a belief is nothing more than a practiced thought. We practice the thought by looking for support of the thought, meaning we will look for something, even if it is not a feel good thing if we believe that it is true. We will point toward it and say, “See there it is, so it must be so.” – This is where we are guilty of not consciously listening, or seeing clearly because we believe what we believe and therefore it is. 




It goes back to childhood, wanting to make both my parents proud, but especially my father. I yearned for his attention. He was the cool, collected, not overly “show your love” man. I would have done almost anything to get his approval and I did. I worked hard in school, I did not let myself do things that I knew he would not approve of and if I did do something I felt guilty long before he ever found out about my error. I worked incredibly hard at not getting in trouble and being the perfect daughter. I heard him talk ill of my half-sisters and I vowed to never be like them. So I molded myself into what I believed that he wanted and what I saw was required to be worthy of his love. I did similar things when it came to my mother as well, with her I knew that I had to have limited boundaries and always say yes, even if I felt like she was bulldozing over me. I was a natural peacekeeper on top of this and my parents enforced it without realizing that it was mandatory or there could be hell to pay. I took all responsibility from the earliest of years for anything that went the wrong direction in the home, figuring that if I had not done whatever that there would still be peace and that’s what I craved. Peace, love, connection, safety. 


This program had NOTHING to do with self-love however. 

It had everything to do with bending myself into everyone else’s idea and needs of me, to keep the peace and to gain the “love and acceptance” of the connection and keep the relationship safe. 

I developed the belief that I was only worthy of love and connection, support and relationship if…


Fast forward, I repeated this belief structure and found strong evidence of its truth in my marriage of almost two decades. 


Then again in a partnership live in relationship where as soon as I started to speak any of my truth, the tides quickly turned and I was stonewalled and all connection was withheld until I figured out my error and begged for forgiveness. 


Then again in a relationship of long term dating, where I asked for what I wanted and was dropped like a hot potato after deep expressions of love and commitment had been stated from the other party. 


So I turned to fully standing in integrity over this evolution. To the point that I was brutally honest with anyone I was in an intimate relationship with. Here is where I am, what I want, think, feel etc. And what I discovered was a certain amount of freedom and confidence developed from that. What I did not plan for was the other person’s beliefs and the fact that ultimately we have no control of outside situations or other peoples views, emotions, perceptions, or actions. Which was a powerful lesson in self-love of its own. 


And today, here I am, still practicing self-love, working on my self-confidence, my personal ever evolving soul growth, moral compass and staying in alignment with my integrity through it. 

Seeing how this world of ours consistently will support those old beliefs, we will be tested and those we love will ask us to step out of alignment without understanding any impact of their ask. 

Causing us to circle back around to all the old beliefs that are not serving nor true. 


And in these questioning very challenging times of our personal inner realms, we have to ask ourselves, “How important is self-love?” – “How important is soul alignment?” – If we say that it can be set aside for this instance then we are saying that we still do not value our worthiness. We are saying that we still believe that we must do this, be that, say that, show up according too… and that we have not yet really fathomed how beautiful we are and that if someone really loves us, if the relationship is to be real, in love for all and to move forward that they will at least grow to appreciate our desire and willingness, determination to stand in our integrity. 


It’s interesting to note, from a very real and personally vulnerable space here that the little girl me, up to about maybe only 5 years ago, was pretty comfortable with wavering in her integrity. Conforming to the needs, desires and will of everyone else and believed that I was happy doing so. I did not see how it was wearing on me, killing me and mucking up my alignment. 




Law of Attraction (LOA) is all about – what you put your energy toward, your attention on, is what you will manifest into your reality. 


LOA is not about what we perceive as “good or bad” or some “karmic” event. 

It is not about hard work, serving your time, justice or being fair. 

It’s simply that whatever you invest in appreciates. 


In the land of self-love we must be in alignment with who we are in the moment in order to see ourselves and a situation clearly. We must be focused on what “feels” good in any given moment to understand what our soul is saying is the direction we are to go. 


We hear all the time about LOA being about going down stream, following the downstream thoughts, letting go of our resistance around things. Resistance shows up as fear, a need to control, seeing the separateness of or the injustice in something. Resistance shows up when we are operating from a state of victim consciousness, not from a clear state of alignment. 


Alignment comes from integrity. 

Integrity is all about your desire, belief, feelings and actions being aligned. 

So when your head, heart, soul and body are all acting as one YOU ARE IN INTEGRITY.


And from this space, you can quickly manifest your desired life. 

When we are not living from this space we are chaos. Our egos are in control of us and the “ego” which is also what we in western culture refer to as the “entity of self” or see as ourselves controls our actions, feelings, emotions, thoughts and what manifests. 




We believe that we have this amazing thing called free will. Where we are making our own choices in life, that the thoughts that we have, the emotions we feel and the actions we choose are ours for the making, but what if you are wrong in this belief?


What if I told you that science is proving that over 90% of your life is being lived according to a program that you believe is you?


You can see this every time you have the thought or feeling of, “ I don’t think I can.” Followed up with a list of great reasons as to why you can’t. At the base of all of these reasons is the belief that you are not good enough, or you will lose something if you do this or that. The idea that has been supported through all of your life by evidence that proves that this belief is correct that you cannot do whatever it is. This shows up in so many areas of our lives and is a key culprit as to why you are not having the success, happiness, love, money, health, etc that you want in your life show up. There are numerous programs like this one running, and the reality is that you are unconscious of these programs. 


You believe that they are you. That they are your true thoughts and feelings. 

However they are nothing more than a program that you are running to create the same “safe” and familiar outcome. 


Self- love as I have learned is more about becoming aware of these programs and making what is unfamiliar familiar and what is familiar unfamiliar. Even when it comes and perhaps especially when it comes to our relationships. 


I would say that one of the most challenging areas of our human lives is relationships. Love is something that we all crave and want for. We want to be accepted, needed, know that someone cares for us, thinks about us, wants us. So, when our program gets set, like mine did in childhood, “You must be/act/speak/do whatever way you must to keep the peace and make another happy even if that means ignoring your integrity, feelings, needs, boundaries, etc. or you are not valued or worthy of the relationship.” Then the “work” around self-love becomes one of standing firm in your integrity. 


Staying in soul alignment. 

Making this feeling of feeling fucking amazing about knowing who you are, what your compass is, and what you are willing to do vs what you are a fuck no too, the most important thing. 


When we come back to LOA and that downstream thought or feeling, well the downstream feeling is about feeling good about who you are and the choices that you have made. There is no regret to these actions, thoughts. You are not compromising your integrity for them. 


And therefore you are ready to receive more good into your life experience. 

With that said, many who stumble or deliberately come along this inquiry and self-learning path, proclaiming a desire to change, to transform their lives and have all their soul’s desires. To be happy, successful, fulfilled, satisfied and abundant will let it all go when they discover that it will require them to face their past actions, words, thoughts and the relationships formed in those and say, “NO. That’s not in alignment with who I am. I will not bend to prove that I am worthy of your love and be/act/say/do something that will take from me my very truth.” 


Fear will rise up. Old beliefs will attempt and most likely succeed in proving that they are right and that this “new idea of your truth” is dangerous. You will be questioned. You will be told that you are being weird. That its your fault. That you have a problem. You will even be pitied. And you may experience a feeling of separation, which will test your integrity. 


So you may fall. 

But hopefully, you will be more conscious and aware of who you really are and now be able to feel that this feeling of falling, and turning away from alignment and your integrity is far worse than the feeling of saying, “ No. Sorry I cannot take responsibility for your feelings, or act like I want this when it makes me sick to my stomach to think of. I cannot agree to keep the peace. I cannot step away from me, saying that I love you to prove that I am worthy of you loving me.”


Self- love you may wonder if it’s worth it. 

And I am here to tell you that everything that you want for in your life, all your hopes and dreams depend on you growing a pair, and demanding it of yourself. 


If you are not a Fuck Yes, then you are a NO. 

There is no fence. 


As Always, 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”