We all want to be loved.
We all want to be seen and appreciated for who we truly are. We all have a desire for people to see beyond our façade and truly grasp our uniqueness.
At the same time, we all make a great effort to hide our flaws and present our best selves to the world.
Just look at social media!
Revealing your true self is scary. It brings with it a big chance that you will be rejected. And none of us want to suffer rejection, especially from someone that we love and want approval from.
So, when we keep our masks on and pretend that everything is fine and dandy then we are offered the reward of appreciation, connection, love, compliments and so forth.
Unfortunately, it’s hard to believe any of these “positive” things because we know that we are not being authentically true and letting ourselves be seen.
So, we distrust what is being shared.
We feel alone, sad, even mad that revealing all our aspects is not allowed.
This happens in all relationships, but we see it even more so in intimate relationships.
I have been discussing the topic of silence in relationship and how it kills the couple hood more than violence or adulty, and how women will shut down and stop fighting for the relationship, how they will just become even more agreeable and then walk away one day and it will be a surprise to the man.
“She seemed fine.”
“We never fight, so I don’t understand.”
These are just more signs that she is feeling unsafe to reveal any of her truth, her edges, her fear, her emotions, her stress or upset.
More than likely, she has expressed it and it caused issues.
Over time she learned that it was not wise to open up and show these shadows, although all she wanted was to be loved in her shadow. So, she could trust the love was real.
That she was accepted for her whole self, not just the pieces that were pretty.
Granted this is all true for the masculine as well.
The masculine especially today is faced with having to hold a mask where he does not show aggression or anger. His sharpness is not permitted in society and thus he is told to feminize and soften or be considered toxic.
Again, this is a denial and non-acceptance to the shadow aspects.
None of us can be this “picture perfect calm, mature, rational, not too much of any emotion all the time.”
WE ALL HAVE SHADOWS.
And those shadows will come out to dance in intimate relationship because they are testing the couple and wanting loved and healed.
They will flair up and be triggered.
They will explore the safety of the relationship because the couple is close and vulnerable to each other.
And if shoved back into their hiding spots, they will destroy the relationship.
If not allowed and accepted, through revealing and communication, couple’s work and building trust, then they will turn into relationship demons.
BUT IF EMBRACED….
The couple will be blessed with an intimate spiritual path of evolution.
Through deep authentic love and revealing we are connected to our divinity, to God and find healing and transformation.
Our lovers, our soulmates are mirrors, to reveal both our light and our shadow,
It is through this authentic love that we can truly learn to love, forgive and grow ourselves.
Pieces of us that would never emerge or be revealed can only come to light in an intimate relationship that allows for authenticity.
However, this is what 90% of today’s relationship containers DO NOT ALLOW!
Instead, we are quick to CANCEL EACH OTHER!
Far easier to walk away and hit rinse and repeat with someone else than to actually become more committed and loving and go deeper with the person there before you. (I want to state that I am not saying stick in an abusive relationship by any means, we need to be able to walk away if the relationship has turned dangerous in any fashion.)
With that said, modern day culture has created the belief that if anything goes amuck in relationship,
if our mate is not getting it right according to how we view things all the time,
if they have emotions, fears, frustrations, or growth/healing needed, (like we all do I must insert here)
if you ARE arguing, or disagreeing,
Then we should just CANCEL THEM!
After all, they are toxic.
The relationship is toxic.
OMFG! How I dislike that word of “toxic” it is such a bullshit word giving permission to people to just run away and not do the damn work on themselves or the relationship.
Talk about gaslighting, or totally sidestepping things.
Massive blame and shame word! That is miss used all too much.
The shadow aspects WILL upset the apple cart of your relationship.
But if you slow down and learn that this shadow is also building intimacy and that your person, that soul that you fell in love with who is being courageous and revealing themselves to you, is trusting you with everything by revealing their shadow.
THEN YOU CAN GROW AND HEAL TOGETHER LIKE NO OTHER OPPORTUNITY!
If their shadow triggers your shadow, then you both are being shown where your induvial work needs to take place.
As long as you are making the problem, your partner, or how they feel about something, you have not seen the real problem.
You are wanting to alter them and their feelings.
Thus control the situation. Or even them.
And allowing the situation to define your happiness, your growth, your intimacy.
YOU ARE NOT LOVING ALL OF THEM.
You are being conditional in a very unhealthy sense.
No matter the situation.
No matter what is happening or not.
If both partners are not allowed a safe space to be raw and reveal their shadows, then they will fail in relationship and create a massive heartbreak and wound that they will carry forward.
The only way around is through.
And we do this by slowing down, taking responsibility for our parts and reactivity, remaining raw and open, but also stepping back if we need.
When we reveal our shadows and truth,
we may hurt our partners,
or cause them deep emotions.
This is where, taking it slow and paying attention to the emotions and triggers that each may feel is required.
Instead of going from open sharing to straight anger and pain that turns into arguing and more, agreeing to express these feeling calmly and process through them so that they can be understood is needed.
IF YOU SAY YOU WANT INTIMACY, LOVE, DEPTH, ACCEPTANCE, TRUTH & TRUST…
With your partner, then you have to be okay with the reality that:
It’s not going to be always rainbows, unicorns, organic chocolate and wine in the relationship — in truth these moments are rare for any of us. Most of life is built up of struggle, opportunities for growth, even pain and suffering.
The moments of beauty, passion, and connection that we all desire are earned by going through these rough valleys with our partner and proving our love and commitment,
Showing that we choose them despite their flaws of being human and having a past.
Showing them our conviction and determination to grow together and evolve ourselves.
BUT AGAIN… MOST WILL CHOOSE TO CANCEL THIER PARTNER BELIEVING IT WAS NOT THE RIGHT TIME, RIGHT PERSON AND TRY AGAIN LATER WITH SOMEONE NEW.
Thus, the modern-day merry-go-round of relating.
What resonates here with you?
DROP something you have learned in relationship about your shadow self in the comments.
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