👊👊🤯CASUAL SEX CREATES EMOTIONAL INTIMACY BLOCKAGES AND TRAUMA RESPONSE👈👈👊
It’s why so many people can’t find real love today.
It’s why so many are commitment phobes.
It’s why so many women are under the belief that they need a man with a bigger…
It’s why so many men are scared of women going ‘crazy’ or getting ‘needy’ with them.
👩❤️💋👨We live in a hookup culture and with that culture we have lost our heart and ability to be truly intimate.
The hook up scene is no longer just for college students,
or players.
👉Anyone can be a player in today’s world.👈
Matter a fact, casual sex, dating and relating is ever growing in the over 40 bracket and the reason is that no one wants to take the time to connect any more.
Many people today of all ages, get into relationship saying they are looking for love, for commitment, for a partner, but what they are actually wanting is easy sustainable sex. A large majority of twenty and even thirty somethings are not planning on having families. They don’t want children. The vast majority of people from their mid thirties and older have already had children or are no longer in baby making years or are retired. These life situations and desires have created a new ground around relationship containers in general and the majority of people are not interested in long-term commitment any longer.
Recent studies have shown that not only pregnancy rates are down, but the number of people getting married has declined tremendously as well.
You can say that this comes with the belief that you don’t have to be married to be committed or show your love for someone.
👉And you are correct.👈
Marriage does not make you more committed or more in love.
Although, the commitment factor that we are aiming for with marriage DOES often create a feeling of safety, closeness, protection, stability and allows one or both parties to surrender deeper than not having it. It is an external showing of INTENTION and the solid commitment to that intention on all levels of the partnership.
50+ years ago, if a couple wanted to have sex they would get married.
Matter a fact, marriage was the predominant vehicle to having sex.
Today however, in order to get laid, you barely if at all need to make a commitment.
Matter a fact, many people don’t even ask many questions.
You might even not exchange names in some cases.
👊👊👊Smash it and Go!🤯
It’s this view on sex that is causing so much trauma emotionally and even physically to individuals and those who are attempting couplehood.
Many people are in casual relationships BELIEVING it is a serious relationship. ( how is that possible you may wonder. Right? Hopefully this musing helps answer that. Keep reading.)
We live in an era of time where individuals have every right to do whatever they want in relationship and with sex.
👉We have a label for EVERYTHING.
👉We have new pronouns.
👉We can be whatever race, gender or sexual preference that we want in the moment.
👉We can design our relationship/commitment style however we want.
There are no limits.
No boundaries to who we are.
Science has been put on the back burner today when we talk sex, sexual preference, gender, and many other things.
We are a woke society that is all inclusive.
And we can SMASH it and GO!!! with no issue.
Now, I am not here to make any judgements on anyones preferences or lablels, or when you choose to have sex with a new partner. If you want to have sex on a first date, go to an adult book store to get laid by a total stranger or act out some fantasy or you want to wait till your wedding night, its a personal choice.
If you are one who waits till marriage, hopefully you are doing a lot of vetting and getting to know yourself, practicing radical transparency and communication, so that you don’t get to this moment only to find out that you are not aligned here.
If you are smashing it and going and thinking you will find love and commitment, but keep finding heart break and more reasons as to why you should keep just smashing and going, remaining in control of your sex and getting the quick hit of sexual gratification but always feeling empty afterward because what you truly want is depth, connection and trust/commitment, then keep reading…
🙏 I BELIEVE OUR BODIES ARE SACRED.🙏
👉We claim to believe that we know that we deserve better.
👉To be treated better.
👉Loved better.
👉To be respected.
👉To have commitment, honesty, integrity.
👉To not just be “used.”
Yet we ourselves do not offer this to our own bodies.
We practice short circuit relating and sexing.
We grab the fast food options of quick release instead of honoring our hearts, bodies and time.
You see traditional “casual” sex.
AKA – Hook up/ smash it and go sexing.
Leads us down a path of many multiple partners.
Repeating this process, again and again creates shame for many even when they say it does not. (male and female alike)
Outside of the fear of judgement and the feeling of shame or not being good enough to find someone it can also create trauma physically and emotionally.
🤯PHYSICAL LEVEL TRAUMA- Massive multiple partners ‘can’ cause confusion for some people to figure out who they themselves are and what they like because each partner is different and women especially tend to adapt themselves to what the partner likes/needs instead of holding to their own needs/likes and communicating that.
You can also become desensitized sexually with mass numbers of partners. Making your body non-sacred and instead just being used as a tool.
Just as vibrators desensitize our nervous system to being able to feel fully, we densatize our bodies. Our vagus nerve and limbic system go into trauma response more easily or become mute, preventing us from our full life experiences in ALL categories.
🤯EMOTIONAL LEVEL TRAUMA- We bond physically with our partner(s). More for women than men, but all humans DO/CAN bond through sex. https://kendalwilliams.com/we-women-bond-with-men-physically/
Men can “pump, pump, eww, goo” or “pump and dump” you may say and not get overly attached but women certainly can get attached at a very deep level after sex, ESPECIALLY good sex. If a woman actually has an orgasm, and if she has more than just a clitorial one, she will be more likely to become attached to her partner, because of the bonding response that we are designed with. (read musing link above)
This often leads to heart break stories when she believes that “giving her sex will gain commitment.” Or that she is owed something.
If the man is getting attached and then experiences a woman who is emotionally gaurded so remaining in charge of the sex and going for the “smashing and go!” senario, he will feel the same emotional let down and loss as a woman would.
👉All instances lead to EMOTIONAL SHUT DOWN BASED ON TRAUMA created by casual sexing/relating without conscious intention.
Which creates physical shut down and an inability to surrender to physical pleasure and connection at a deeper level.
👉It’s a NUMBING process. 🤯
Which is why it’s vitally important to have radically real conversations before you sleep with someone.
It’s why I am constantly preaching to know your values.
Know what you are wanting and looking for in a relationship.
Be ready and willing to share upfront THIS key component to preventing yourself more misery and heartbreak.
And that is:
👊👊👊What’s your standards in a relationship? How do you operate in a relationship? What are your expectations/requirements/needs in a relationship? What are you REALLY looking for RIGHT NOW. Then INQUIRE back what the other person’s responses are about these same shares.
Chemistry (that energetic draw) is great!
But chemistry alone, much like love, will not make a long standing relationship successful.
It will not overcome everything else that comes up in relationships.
You must explore deeper.
You must witness our potential mate in many situations.
It takes an average of 100+ hours together consistently to see multiple aspects of another person and for some level of guards to come down.
So why are we having sex within the first date or two?
Most new daters have sex somewhere between the third and tenth date. Only having spent an average of 5 to 30 hours together over weeks of time “dating.”
👊🔥👊A good rule of thumb outside of deeper inquiry before sex is to NEVER engage in sex with a partner if you:
🔥Don’t feel comfortable with the person. If you need a substance to loosen up, YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE!
🔥Aren’t aware to your attachment styles and possible attachment caused by sex and have a deeper understanding to what you are wanting from this expereince/moment.
🔥Don’t know what the other person’s real intentions are. You have not yet done the asking!!!!
🔥 Have not discussed what you are wanting in a relationship. If you are wanting monogamy you have also discussed exclusivity. Because they are NOT the same! If you are wanting an open relationship/poly you have discussed what this dynamic is and what you are wanting here.
🔥If you don’t feel safe physically, emotionally and sexually. You need to have discussed safe sex, medical history, pregnancy. You need to have spoken about potential triggers that may come up due to past trauma. As well as, have shared your boundaries and non-negotiables in these three areas for sure.
THE IMPORTANCE OF ASKING THESE THINGS AND PUTTING IN THIS TIME AND EFFORT ON OUR SEXUAL CONNECTION IS BECAUSE IF WE CHOOSE TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE AND IT DOES NOT WORK OUT WE CAN OFTEN TIMES CRUCIFY THE OTHER PERSON FOR “USING US.”
We blame them for us feeling hurt.
And we carry this trauma forward into all future relating.
🙏You owe it to yourself to honor your sex!🙏
If you are going to do CASUAL SEX…
Make it 🙏INTENTIONAL CASUAL SEX.🙏
Hopefully you found some answers here today on how to do just that.
And know that each experience is a part of your journey to self-discovery and is an opportunity to love on yourself and offer yourself respect, honor, time and focus.
My whole coaching system is dedicated and centered around these core things. Learning how to navigate and communicate what you want in a relationship by learning your soul-values.
As always, if you want to learn if coaching is something of potential assistance and value to you calling in your soulmate relationship or reigniting your couplehood then reach out to me today for a FREE Clarity Call! Where we will start the process of discovery, activation and healing to unite you to SOUL!
Loving you from here.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”