101 DAYS OF PSYCHO AND THE GIFTS GIVEN…

101 DAYS OF PSYCHO AND THE GIFTS GIVEN…
You know those moments in life where you just wonder,
“Why the ‘F’ me?”
When you question what is happening and cannot see the purpose behind it. Perhaps even wonder if it will ever stop,
because it seems like a storm that has no end.
Well that has sorta been where my last 101 days have been.
And when I say that Hollywood would kill for some of the storyline,
‘cuz you just cannot make this stuff up, I mean it.
I guess you could also say,
when it rains it pours.
And often that is the case.
Or maybe,
Things come in threes – and to that I would say the same as I do to all these statements.
“TIME TO WAKE THE F-CK UP!”
And that is exactly what God is wanting us to do in situations where it feels like we are being pushed through a keyhole with immense force. We are indeed required not requested to WAKE UP.
To get clear.
To look at our lives.
Our inner realms and how they correspond to our outer worlds.
And to know that these things that are occurring, no matter how crazy they may seem…
No matter how much pain and suffering they may bring…
No matter how many restless nights you may have,
nor how high your blood pressure may get…
THESE THINGS are happening perfectly just for you.
If it was supposed to be any other way,
well guess what?
It would be doing that,
but it is not,
and therefore it is perfectly designed for you even though it is uncomfortable AF.
And that is the hard reality that I have been reminded of over the last 101 days of my life.
That is also the beauty in the crazy.
The light in the suffering.
And the reason that I keep putting my armour down even though I hold it so close when an attack comes my direction.
There is always a gift being given.
The only question for any of us in moments like these is if we can receive the gift.
And receiving it simply means being aware that it is there and allowing ourselves to feel past the pain and fear,
past the discomfort and exhaustion,
and feel into the love of who we truly are.
And into our internal GPS.
OUR SOUL.
The gifts given in psychotic moments of life,
when a hurricane of what feels like certain destruction is up on us,
are always about waking up and clarifying our lives.
For me I am referring to this period as a time of housecleaning on all fronts. It is requiring me to get in there and put some good old elbow grease into getting the results that I want and need, it is requiring me to sort and sift through a bunch of old things that no longer serve me, from actual furniture and household items to relationships and pathways in business as well as personal affairs.
It has clarified who I can trust and who is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It has allowed me to analyze my desires for my future and get more aligned to my core in the process of doing so.
It has revealed to me all the little and not so little trappings that I have placed on myself, where I am overly passive and where I am too strict. It has shown me, that I am the creator of my own destiny and that I have a strong powerful soul, but in order to tap into it and call down my blessings in even greater capacity that it is up to me seeing the blessings in THIS moment and not getting caught up in the bondage of what others perceive of me.
In times of struggle,
we are being told that our old world is over.
That it is time for us to embrace our BIGNESS.
And see that up to this point we had grown too comfortable in what was thus keeping us small.
God does not want any of us to live small lives.
We were born to THRIVE.
And just like in the making of a diamond,
there is great pressure on all things that must be transmuted,
for our clarity, beauty and radiance to emerge.
Loving you from the darkness and into the light of the birth of your new life and world.
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Taking applications for limited 1:1 clients who not just want to expand but who want to THRIVE and claim the life that God set for them in love, health, wealth and success. Reach out to me today to say F-ck Yes! I deserve a BIG LIFE now.

BURNING BRIDGES THAT DO NOT NEED BURNT IS A SIGN OF YOUR RESISTANCE TO RECEIVING ALL THAT YOU WANT

BURNING BRIDGES THAT DO NOT NEED BURNT IS A SIGN OF YOUR RESISTANCE TO RECEIVING ALL THAT YOU WANT
 
Here we go again!
Around and around,
the mood pool where you get mad and sad in some crazy eight pattern,
( hey, that is a real thing ya know – the crazy eight cycle).
 
But here we go again beautiful,
you are feeling insecure, irritated, anxiety ridden and abandoned,
you are feeling jealous, vengeful, angry and hurt.
And you have chosen that the way through your crazy eight is the same old pattern that you have always done,
its the same old system of crazy.
But once again you forget that you have visited these grounds so many times before.
 
You are lost beautiful,
and even though you feel it deep at your core,
the suffering is smothering to your life,
you refuse to take responsibility for things,
for YOU.
 
And here we go,
your anger pushes everyone away.
Your fear of loosing has you painting a mirage of fear and pain.
And you light the match.
 
It’s a match that you have lit before,
and so far when you come back to self you discover that the fire that you tried to set,
the scorching of the land that you wanted gone,
is still there,
and when you come back around and breathe,
you are grateful that nothing burned down.
 
But here is the thing beautiful,
you can only lite that match so many times,
You can only throw it down on this bridge and watch the smoke rise,
feel the heat,
and take pride in the false control that you are exhibiting.
Because baby,
you cannot control the fire that you have started.
And every match from the past,
has all the onlookers shook in their trust.
 
They see you darling.
They see your fear.
They see that you desire to control.
They see as does your SOUL,
that you are under some spell.
 
That spell has you believing that you will loose and if you are to loose and be abandoned,
be stepped over in this life and forgotten then damn it,
you will control how you go out.
And drop the match you do,
watch the fire as they burn away your connections.
 
But somewhere down this path beautiful,
when you awaken from this slumber of your ego,
of your illusion,
you will see that no one is casting you aside.
That was ALL YOU…
believing your fear.
 
Instead what you were fearing was not at all the abandonment,
what you were fearing was the connection,
the growth,
the receiving.
And what you missed to realize is that you were on the cusp of something amazing.
The birthing of a new phase in your life.
You were leveling up!
You were elevating to a new you.
 
And it was uncomfortable.
It was a scary and strange feeling.
 
And THAT…
THAT is what activated this fire.
Your fear of success.
 
And so beautiful,
you drop that match.
You drop it and you run,
claiming that you are being attacked,
claiming that you are a victim to this life,
to those who cross your path.
Never recognizing that NOW you have started a raging fire.
And lost the trust,
lost the support,
lost the connection.
And in order for you to have any hope of regaining any part of what you scorched in the flames of your fear,
you will have to work 10x harder.
None will trust who have seen.
None will trust who you have poured your rage out on.
But beautiful,
the answer is always the same.
The answer is to recognize.
To see yourself.
To love yourself.
And to do your healing.
 
“If you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you” – Author Unknown
 
And this beautiful,
THIS is where your WORK BEGINS.
 
To all of us works in progress out there,
may these words sound truth to your core and bring to you awareness of the responsibility we each have on our lives and the impact that our suffering and fear of moving forward can have on those in our lives.
 
May you pause before you throw the next match.
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Let’s get you to your desired F-ck YES! NOW.
Applications for 1:1 available for a limited time. Message me for application.
 
Photography Credit to Photographyinwonderland.

Mother F*cker Messed Up My Orgasm.

 
I sit here this morning not wanting to open up my text thread with my ex.
The negativity,
the control,
the anger that comes from it,
and that I feel inside just at reading the last words on the thread.
 
“Really?”
 
I already know the tone.
The comments and commands.
I feel disgust at this thread.
 
Late last night I saw his final words,
they hit me like lead in my gut,
Sorrow,
Distrust,
Bitterness,
Anger.
 
It is all here.
Stepping away from an enviroment,
a relationship for a few weeks or months
 

“Really”

 
does show you a person’s truth.
While in the relationship we make excuses,
get caught up in the day to day,
and simply just don’t want change.
We don’t want to have a relationship fail.
We want to make it work.
We want to be accepted, loved and connected.
Even at the cost of our well-being,
Our happiness,
Joy,
Health and freedom.
 
SO we ignore,
hide, ‘cover that shit up and act like it is not there.
 
Truth never stays hidden forever though.
A person’s true color’s ALWAYS come out.
And in my saga, the color’s are not so pretty in this relationship.
 
The truth of the reality is that I masked from myself my partners need to control and dominate. I knew he was an alpha personality walking in, and loved that about him. His strength and ability to hold boundaries was attractive. His assertiveness and masculine power was what I needed and desired. I needed the security of this. I needed the foundation of this. I also loved his calm, cool, collected stance. I loved his seemingly open mindedness and playfulness. He offered what I needed in the moment.
 
It was a season.
There was a reason.
 
Now those were gone.
Now I am left with the flip side.
The control freak, the aggressor, the one who when he does not get his way acts like a 3 year old and retracts himself, his love and says, ” I hate you.” Takes his ball and goes home.
 
Now I am left with his need to try and control me through our children. I wonder if he even notices it, if he is aware of his pattern’s, his actions or if he is just playing the role that is comfortable to him and feel’s safe.
 
Now I am left with the residue of his energy as it wafts through the text message, the facetime, the phone calls and emails.
 
Now I am left with him just ignoring anything he does not want to discuss because of the discomfort and his knowing that it will be emotional and I will speak my truth and he can do nothing to stop it.
 
Now I am left with him proving what his priorities are.
His bottom line is focused on his bank account and not on relationship.
His priority is to pretend that none of his actions had anything to do with anything.
His priority is to run and hide behind his masks, not seeing that he is turning into his worst nightmare. The people he always claimed he did not want to be like he is now mimicking them. He is now becoming the one’s that have since passed and he is honoring the patterns that they taught him as a little boy. He is now honoring a closed heart, a barren soul, a disconnected life.
 
In his desire to control, he does nothing more than share his rage and hatred. His fear.
 

But none of this is reason for him to steal my orgasm.

 
No, that is on me.
 
But I want to cast blame onto him.
I want to point the finger and say he did this to me.
 
Yes, this morning I sit here not wanting to open this thread of text messages between us because I feel all of it.
 
Last night, I did not open it in hopes to avoid it.
I wanted to avoid the negativity of his control.
I wanted to avoid looking at him on facetime with our nightly call for our kids.
I wanted to just not feel him for just one night, one day.
I wanted the freedom that flickers through my days.
I wanted to breathe.
 
But that last statement attached itself to me,
the thread just lingered and my ego ran and played with it.
 

“Really?”

He was inquiring why I had not answered I am sure,
he was frustrated that in his grand attempt to contact everyone in my home to get me to contact him had not worked,
he was upset that he could not control the situation and that I had made a stance to just say no.
 
Our children had not asked to speak to him so I felt no guilt in not speaking tonight.
 
We were busy having fun, connecting and laughing.
We were snuggling.
So why wreck a good moment.
A good memory for his desire to control?
 
Yes, this is the question of the morning.
Why allow him to steal it?
I held firm for my children.
For that moment.
But then I allowed that word, that thread to infiltrate my soul.
I allowed it to poke at me.
And I allowed it to steal the depth of orgasm that I was offered in the night hours with my lover.
 
I pushed myself to open,
I felt pain from doing this.
I shut myself in fear,
fear I would reveal to much.
I got captured by that damn text thread,
over and over again.
 
Into my head,
out of my body.
Away from my deep orgasm.
Keeping it surface.
All the while desiring what I had just tasted 24 hours before.
 

That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.

F-*-C-K!!!!!!

 
I allowed him to.
Just like I allowed him to control to much of my life in our relationship. Just like I allowed him the power to act the way he did. Just like I allowed myself to stay,
to stay in the enviroment that was not conducive to my purpose,
my heart, my life.
 
YES
 
That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.
But I made the choice to not release,
to breathe in.
To hold him and his energy
instead of leaning in to my lovers thrusts of passion,
my lovers presence,
my bliss.
 
He only messed it up because I allowed it.
And this morning, I sit here witnessing my ego, my pain, my rage, my holding.
 
Here I sit with my body breaking down.
My body screaming at me, “STOP! – Let that shit go!”
 
Here I sit, witnessing that he not only physically hurt me,
controlled me in ways that I was not aware of,
hid his truth from me,
Held anger toward me and lied to my face about it,
He not only did not love me and may have never,
but he continued to punch me in the heart.
He was willing to try and dominate my life,
the children’s life,
through textbook tactics of an abuser.
 
It is shocking to me.
It is on going.
It is healing to see things from this vantage point.
 

That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.

And I am in gratitude for it.

 
Thank you Mother F*cker for being you and showing me my strength.
Thank you Mother F*cker for showing who you really are so that I could claim whom I am more.
Thank you Mother F*cker for the season, the reason and the blessings that we shared.
Thank you Mother F*cker for coming into my life and being EXACTLY what I needed.
 
With out you, I would not be me.
Empowered.
Guided.
Desiring more.
Certain.
 
Thank you for supporting my determination and drive.
Thank you for your disconnect to your emotions and heart, and showing what that does to a human, to a relationship, to a life and making me aware of where I meet you there and that…
 
I CHOOSE.
I choose to STOP meeting you there.
I choose instead to open up my heart.
To feel my emotions.
To forgive.
To heal.
To laugh.
To connect.
 

I choose to LIVE.

Unbound, free and on purpose.

 
Cut loose from the chains that you tried to hold me with.
Cut loose from the chains that I held myself with.
Cut loose from the fear.
 
YES
I choose.
I choose to…
 

Stop Existing & Start Living

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