“True love, it’s not something you have to work at.” – Previous Lover of Mine
Relationship breakdown when does it happen? How does it start? What are the road signs and how can we repair the damage before the door slams shut on our love?
Relationship take a massive amount of work and dedication to maintain. For anyone who is fearful of getting involved with a high maintenance personality I strongly suggest you re-evaluate relationship in general as ALL relationships ARE high maintenance. The main problem that we humans have today with our understanding or should I say expectation of intimate relationships is that they should just be and remain. Once established the relationship should allowing the parties involved to deal without worry with other life events such as work, children, friends, health, finances and even our down time or play time. Granted all of these life events are important but we tend to quickly forget and take for granted the primary calling of our heart: Our love relationship. We get trapped in the belief that we have time to make things work, to prove our love, to heal wounds and to get or give forgiveness. We have time to deepen our bonds and stoke the fires of passion. All the while forgetting that it is in this very moment that we choose to keep or loose what is most dear to us.
In my years now of working with couples and singles who have suffered relationship breakup and even when I look back at my past relationship(s) to witnessing what may seem like small events that are unavoidable in my current relationship I have come to be aware that D Day does not happen in a moment’s notice, it is long, slow and gradual to sneak up on lovers. It actually starts early on in relationship and is masked by many different names: Work related stress, fear of vocalization, avoidance, raising a family, old programs and expectations, etc.
Often it is the man that is the most shocked at the loss of relationship. Being so caught up in taking the lead on being the provider and protector of his lover and offspring he is blinded from reality and is calloused to the disconnect. Excuses form in his head and Mr. Fix it is always internally speaking out assuring that the plan that has been forged will save the day and show the love needed. Sadly, this is often not the case.
From the female view point she may be feeling lost, abandoned, fearful, smothered from her duties as a woman and holding up the self-imposed as well as relationship and societal expectations put upon her. She from this viewpoint of the pain body sees her man not as Mr. Fix It but as Mr. Broken Promise. The more he slaves away trying to repair damage, save the day, and be her knight the more she sees a lost little boy who is trying to prove himself and has forgotten about her love and true needs. Over the course of years she withdraws more and more into herself, perhaps hiding behind a masculine energy where she feels more secure and in control now because dancing in her feminine causes to much heart and soul pain, once soft and vulnerable to her mate she has now turned cold, distant and duty focused. Mr. Fix It finds himself years later wondering how this disconnect and lack of intimacy was bread and comforts himself with the reality check of normalcy and the excuse of life, not truly wanting to delve into the dark waters of truth that seven short years prior when he chose to innocently break her trust and she chose to not ignite her fire and test him out of fear of losing him was the actual breeding ground. In that moment from the past neither party were consciously aware of the long term statement being made and tossing in of the towel that they were jointly making, years later after struggle, arguments and enough pain that they both have slowly shut the door on each other the only conclusion left is that love has died and the relationship is too toxic to maintain. The question then seeps in “Did I ever really connect, love this person?” “Was our love ever more then surface?” “When did this all fall apart?”
Multiple things cause these occurrences. The main one is always the breaking of trust.
Trust is easily given on the front end of a relationship. It is a sacred gift that two people give and share in hopes of bliss and security. It is quick to be poured to create foundation for the building of what is often a relationship based out of need and fear of being alone, forcing both parties to act quickly and commit. This is what I refer to as: Hiring quickly.
Women are often more guilty of this practice of hiring quickly than men. Men get the bad rap of being noncommittal, while women shortly after the first few dates are planning out the wedding party and invites. The result of pushing for a quick hire (no matter which side or if both parties are doing it) is that neither side has earned the trust needed to support a healthy relationship and thus, it is common place to discover a few years down the road that you have presumed that your love, devotion and time were equally met and wanted, when in fact you may have actually bought into a fictional character and are sleeping with a stranger of which you have no real bonds or interests with. The problem now is that you are invested, you are locked into a relationship, a picture and responsibility. You now find yourself in the long term process of firing this person you hired so quickly. This firing process may take months and often takes years. Why? Because even though our reality check is before us we still care and we want to be wise about how to disengage. Or so we tell ourselves.
We humans are all a little masochistic at times and in our relationship breakups we show this off. We enjoy pain, suffering and the attention that comes with it. But that is another topic all on its own.
True trustworthiness and trust building is the most valuable aspect to any relationship. It is the one thing that keeps harvesting love through tough times, it allows lovers to be fierce in following a purpose and in opening to vulnerability. Without a dose of supported trust in a relationship the deep penetration of love and passion never materializes. Trust is also, the most fragile of love components.
For a woman trust is broken when her lover does not acknowledge intimacy. Whe he makes light of her hormones (moods) and dismisses or hides from her fires. She loses faith in her man when he steps away from being her lover and uses a fatherly dominant energy of control with her, causing her to feel unheard and not important/valuable. Trust is broken when passion is squelched (no matter the logical reasons behind it), it is diminished when intimacy is booted by stress release. When boundaries are crossed. In any moment that the feminine feels misplaced, a piece of meat, property, misunderstood, like a naive little girl or threatened, when he walks away from her pain, tears, voice and needs (even if she commands him to go) trust takes a massive hit to the gut.
For men trust is broken when a woman fights for Alfa dog role, when she belittles him and questions his every motive. When she is overly motherly, dominant and superficial with her feelings. Every time a woman pulls away her love and softness from her lover his trust in the relationship, in the security of love and her heart is threatened. Her harshness shuns trust and forces disconnect.
For both man and woman, trust is damaged when expectation is placed on our lover or the relationship. If we have a painting in our head of how our partner should show up in the relationship at all times, how they should behave, or what the relationship should look like in any fashion we set ourselves up for failure. Another major trust killer is establishing false hopes. By this I mean promises. Often we promise our lover that we will do or not do this or that. It can be the simplest of items, from I promise to get in shape and take better care of myself to setting goals repeatedly for financial rewards or promising a romantic trip or family vacation. False promises no matter how real they may appear to the one stating them can be pushed out to a degree but repeatedly stating and pushing out, making excuses for why they did not materialize will only add to the breakdown of trust.
For woman to open to trust she must be willing to open to vulnerability.
For man to open to trust he must be willing to surrender to his woman’s vulnerability.
The great feminine craves a strong, dependable masculine who WILL NOT waiver from his love with her. Whom is willing to jump through the flames of her pained heart and past and break her open to the orgasm of life. She craves his heartbeat to guide her, lead her and to have the passionate taker of her feminine reigns ignite her creative juices and dance through life’s rollercoaster ride.
The great masculine longs for heartfelt support, he needs at his core to be brought out of the dark logical aspects of life that cause him tension and stress and to be opened to his woman’s bliss and surrender to him. He craves to be nourished in her bosom and replenished from her loves nectar. He needs the safety of her openness and radiance in order to be the knight that she desires.
Steps to Prevention
- Hire slow, fire fast if need be.
- Limit expectations of lover, self and relationship
- Take responsibility for your own happiness first. Looking for another to fulfill your happiness is only going to lead you to a painful situation.
- Discuss boundaries and honor them at all cost.
- Discuss roles in family/relationship. What is each party comfortable with?
- Make time for love, sex, intimacy and fighting.
- Be willing and even hungry to stand in your partners fires.
- Lean into love when it is the hardest thing to do and you want to run.
- Never accept a surface answer from your woman.
- Never chase your man, give space without question.
- Communicate. Communicate.
- Learn to accept that men and woman are wired differently.
Remember that what you need and crave the most form your partner will show up as your greatest irritation as well: Women most of you want a leader, provider, and protector, strong in himself man, you do not truly want someone who can be whipped and dominated. You want a man that will stand there and take your heat, support you’re breaking down in hormonal imbalance and passionately take you into new realms of pleasure as well. You want someone who will be your best friend and make you laugh as well as a man who will sacrifice his very life to save yours. This can translate to: Why is he so focused on blah, blah, he is detached, being an asshole, being childish, making light of a heavy situation, over sexed, etc.
Men, most of you want a woman who is open with her radiance, she lights up the room and takes your breath away, she is nourishing, supportive, warm, and soft. She is creative and fluid. She hears you and gives you space, she challenges you but does not fight you on being the man, and she is passionate and surrenders to your leadership. She trusts you. This can translate to moodiness, crazy female shit, motherly, protective, short tempered, flaky or blonde, needy, high maintenance, driven.
Constantly reevaluate all the above. Never take anything for granted.
Silence or lack of input is not the sign of a healthy relationship.
If you ask your partner, how am I doing, how are we doing, what can I improve, or if you feel a disconnect and you ask your partner if there is anything you can do, get better at or what they feel needs work on in the relationship and the answer is : “It’s (you/me) are all good. There is nothing that needs improvement. I am happy, no complaints.” Then it’s time to call BULLSHIT!
There is ALWAYS a need for improvement, communication and vulnerability.
Otherwise kiss each other goodbye, because the door just slammed shut and it is 7 years later!
“When you are moving toward an objective, it is very important to pay attention to the road. It is the road that teaches us the best way to get there, and the road enriches us as we walk its length. You can compare it to a sexual relationship: the caresses of foreplay determine the intensity of the orgasm. Everyone knows that… And it is the same thing when you have an objective in your life. It will turn out to be better or worse depending on the route you choose to reach it and the way you negotiate the route.” – Petrus, The Pilgrimage by Paulo Coelho
When my children were very young I spent many a late morning or early afternoon, cuddled up with them watching a Disney or Dream-Works movie. Each movie, even in its grand Hollywood masking carried with it a tale of a soul who was looking for their path. At some point in the movie the main character would have to step off the safe and stable route that their families and friends had encouraged them to stay on and they had to venture out into the great unknown called: Life.
My top favorite movie to watch with my children was: Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron
The tale of a young stallion who through great pain, suffering, loss of family and true love discovers an unbreakable friendship, an elevation in love and the true courage of being a heroic Patriot of the Soul. For anyone who has watched this family movie from start to finish and allowed the soundtrack to dance its way through your heart, you know what I am referring to here. The beautiful thing about this movie and many others that captivate us is that only through struggle, tribulations, tears and pain; only through risking everything can we ever fully have everything that we want and more.
Joseph Campbell says it best, “We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
Not so long ago I found myself lying in the arms of a man I love. Every moment spent with him has been full of peace, unconditional love, acceptance and even in the times that I find myself breathing as to not allow my ego to jump hastily into our differences I still feel great intimacy and depth. This particular afternoon however I was being torn up internally with fear. It had been weeks building, I had been taking notice of the smallest events, words shared, jokes, and above all else this pit in my stomach. I had made up my mind that for the greatest good of all parties (him and I) that we must part ways. I was fully prepared to tear my heart from my chest, to remove myself from the equation so that he could carry on and advance on his path. The fear of letting go of this bird so it could fly free though was horrifying!
We both found ourselves trapped in what seemed like a spot where God had abandoned us. The “higher powers that be” were laughing at our love, at our hearts that were breaking. Both fully aware that things were what they were but could soon very well change. The twists of the path we were walking on could cause a fork in the road. One that would force us to step down two separate trails. Being a man, as anyone who has read Grey’s book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus will understand, he was now acting in the role of Mr. Fix It. I was laying there taking in his scent, how his large hands felt as they cradled me, touched my cheek and how distant his heart beat felt in this position. I wanted to just blurt out everything that had been lying on my heart for the last month, but was scared that in revealing my true pain and not staying in this aloof state that was calm and collected would only cause him more suffering. And god how I did not want to be any more vulnerable then I was already feeling.
Sniffles cleared the silence of the moment, he was weeping. He was living the loss of us in this very moment. Tears came to my eyes, grabbing hold of his arm and his hands as I encouraged him to hold me tighter. I could feel that another Circumcising of the Heart was taking place for both of us.
“Often the love that means the most and is the truest will cause the most pain as well,” kept going through my head. It reminded me that we were each on the brink of great transformational awakening. It was a birthing process. Much like Pocahontas we were being gifted in this moment with the choice to choose our route. What’s around the river bend? Key words to remember for any Pathfinder. Anyway we looked at it there was going to be pain, there was going to be something that we would have to risk. The choice though was ours as to what we valued the most and what we could breathe through. In times when we are faced with hard choices and risk we are also faced with truly living life!
We can be like a turtle and cave up within ourselves, we can harden our hearts or we can be like a snake and shed our old skins, our old beliefs, patterns and transform into something more. A new version of ourselves. Often once we have revealed this new higher vibrational self to the world, to those we love and to ourselves we discover that what we were once afraid of is actually only our own TRUTH. From being willing to make what seemed like a sacrifice we open the doorway to our true path.
The path of the patriot of the soul is like all paths, but it is unique because of the being that has chosen to walk it. This person is a crusader. This person wants to live life to fullest. Does not want to settle for a life of illusion, doldrums, control and average ordinary experiences.
The patriot of the soul thrives on discovering their own bliss and promises to themselves and to those that hold their hand on the path to “always dance in loves moments; even the painful ones. To love unconditionally and religiously the divinity in each other.”
True love of another can sometimes make us feel as though we have found ourselves fenced outside of what our desires and hopes once were. True love in its highest form reveals the courage to share of ourselves even when it may appear not in our best interest. “Love is wanting the most for someone, the most experience, the most adventure, the most exploration, the most feeling, the most growth… For them to be all they can, fly as high as they can, go as deep as they can. And to support them as much as you can. This may be the hardest way to love; it is though the truest way to love… (Jonti Searll)”
To truly open ourselves to another soul and to our destiny, our purpose, our life path, we must be willing to travel across the bridges of emotion. We must be willing to STOP and meditate on our hearts and to listen to the omens. The Patriot of the Soul
knows three things:
- I AM LOVE
- I AM GOD
- I AM ETERNAL
With these three things a Soul Patriot takes in the words of Buddha, “Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” The Patriot of the Soul goes deeper then the material world of love and happiness. Advances farther than any societal career could ever take them. They open themselves to “seeing life through heavens eyes. (The Prince of Egypt)” In doing this the Patriot discovers true unity of self, there is no more dividing and conquering. They discover that the peace and harmony that everyone searches for is right here: It is within. Anything else is attempting to cause a wave of distortion in the peaceful waters of your soul.
A true Patriot of the Soul takes risks! And knows that in all honesty there is NO path.
If you believe you must go somewhere, do something, learn something, create something to obtain pure awareness, pure love, and peace then you have already lost all that you desire as well as your way home.
“You create your own universe as you go along” Winston Churchill
What does your reality look like?