As of late, I have been under a bit of scrutiny from several people about my sex coaching business, everywhere from friends to family to other colleagues who all have misconstrued beliefs about what sex coaches do. Honestly, I am not shocked because the truth is that sex coaching is fairly new in mainstream consciousness. If you met ten sex coaches, they would also all have a slightly different way of coaching and different elements that are included in this coaching. Even in my local area, I can think of several sex coaches, and every single one of us approaches coaching in a different manner. Some use more direct talking methods, some incorporate more spiritual practices, some use more straight education, and others are more experiential. This is on top of the fact that sex is still a taboo topic in our society, so it’s no wonder that I get both horrified and intrigued looks when I share with others the career I am so passionate about.
There’s a vast variety of questions and assumptions that people have when hearing that myself and my fellow colleagues are sex coaches. That being said, the one that comes up the most is, “Are you a prostitute? So you have sex with your clients?”
I do not have sex with my clients. Again, I do not have sex with my clients! And one more time since people struggle to hear this one, I DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH MY CLIENTS! I have zero judgments against individuals who choose to make a living via prostitution. In my life, I have known several women who have been sex workers to survive and, unfortunately, were forced to do so illegally due to our current laws. It makes me very happy to see places like Vegas that are trying to take the oldest career known to man and make it safer for both the client and the sex worker. Sex is a normal and natural pleasure afforded to us as humans that keeps us healthy and vibrant. It’s not my place to say if someone needs or desires to pay someone to have these needs met because, honestly, not everyone is lucky enough to have a committed partner. I believe in sex work when done in a safe and consensual manner.
That being said, I am not a prostitute. All the sex coaches I know (and I know quite a few) and I have the policy that they do not have intercourse or perform or receive oral sex from clients. I have written that on my website in several places and tell clients when I first meet them that although I am helping people with sex, this does not mean I am having sex with them. Yet, it is a question I get asked almost weekly. And it is actually one that has provided my colleagues and me with some funny stories.
One day, I was doing an initial Tantric mindfulness session—which includes some meditation, breathing, and Kundalini activation—with a brand new client. My sex coaching practice was somewhat new, and as he felt his sexual energy activate, he opened his eyes, looked right at me, and said, “I’ve decided that I want to practice having Tantric sex, and you love Tantric sex, and so you’re going to have Tantric sex with me next time.” I lifted one eyebrow and reminded him of all the different times we had discussed boundaries and how sex is not a part of sex coaching. He became desperate and began gyrating his hips to “show me” how good he would be at this practice. I worked incredibly hard at not bursting into hysterics at that moment, and once I had composed myself, I set some limits with him, and unfortunately, he chose not to have any more sessions with me after that initial session. It is definitely a story that I will always remember and one that has provided me with vital learning lessons—no matter how much I state what I DON’T do, there will always be people that don’t want to hear it.
Different practitioners have different boundaries surrounding the level of touch, if any, and also the nature of what happens in sessions. But unless it is specifically stated that we are offering sexual surrogacy, then they most likely are not offering to have sex with their clients. And honestly, even many sex surrogates don’t actually have intercourse with clients.
That being said, am I going to try to help stir some sexual energy? Yes! Our sexual energy (Kundalini energy) is what keeps us alive, what you tap into during many yoga practices, and what gives us as humans much of our drive. I view our sexual energy as a major tool in manifesting the lives we want, as the spiritual connection we are looking for, and as a way to take the connection within ourselves and in relationships to a deeper place. However, this energy can be stirred simply by breathing! I, personally, am not just a sex coach but actually first and foremost a Tantric practitioner who utilizes these principles in my practice. This still does not mean I am having sex with my clients!
In our society, and especially in the Bible belt, many practices are shunned without a true and honest understanding. People allow their ignorance to speak first without asking questions. Just like sex coaching is not as it appears, neither is the practice of Tantra, which is not solely about sex but instead about weaving our energy throughout life. The aspects that are sexual are about bringing greater awareness and honor into our sex lives and using this awareness to bring us closer to our spiritual source, ourselves, and our partners. I know having honor and true worship during sex is a foreign concept to many in the Western world, where porn, objectification, and hookup culture are rampant, but this is the true nature of Tantra and what I teach in my sex coaching practice. So I view the use of Tantra as important in not only my sex coaching but also coaching of any kind because, at the end of the day, most humans desire more fulfilling and happier lives.
As a sex coach, I want you to be able to dig deeper into your own feelings, thoughts, and beliefs surrounding sex. I want you to learn to connect with your own body and your partner’s body in new and exciting ways. I want you to experience energy in sessions that is orgasmic … but not necessarily have what is typically seen as orgasm/climax in session.
I’m holding a space for you to talk about your shame, your desires, your sexual difficulties. I’m helping you reawaken your energy and passion while creating the life you have always dreamed of having. I am educating you on chakras, your genitals, your partner’s genitals, breathing, orgasm, and basically anything you can think of in regards to sex. I am helping you feel more into your body and recognize that your sexual energy, when used throughout your life, will provide you with a new level of energy and vitality and the ability to attack your life.
Honestly, yes, there will be dildos, “pussy pillows,” lube, and other sex toys for demonstrations, so if this offends you, then I suggest you not come into my office. There will most definitely be words used that may make you blush and conversations that make you squirm a little, and that’s okay. I’m not here to have sex with you, but I am here to reintroduce you to your sex.
My work is done mostly with your brain, your heart, and your soul, not your genitals!
One of the ideas you have that I find most interesting is this concept of a G-Spot Self Massage. What exactly is it and how does it benefit women?
The G-spot is located inside of the vagina. If you slip your finger inside and just up a little behind the pubic bone, you will feel an area that swells with excitement. Massaging this area will increase your orgasm. You’ll have an orgasm that comes from deep inside and rises all through the body. It’s a much deeper and longer orgasm than a clitoral orgasm.
Now the G-spot is just one area. There are other spots, called inter-vaginal points. This energy has been understood and used for thousands of years in all cultures around the world. Much of it can be traced back to the roots of Tantra, Taoism, the Shamans, Kahunas and healers. It is the most powerful energy we have and when directed it can increase a women’s overall wellness. During the ’70s and ’80s, chiropractors, osteopaths, body workers were all familiar with these points but due to the controversy of these points, few practitioners worked on people. It’s obviously controversial for someone to be working on these points. Practitioners I used to refer to do [vaginal massage] no longer exist, so for the last 20 years, I have been teaching women to do these points on themselves.
Talk to me about penetration.
Many women believe that penetration is not necessary for a healthy sex life; this seems to be especially true in the lesbian community. This belief is not true. These inter-vaginal points are extremely powerful, in terms of orgasm and women’s health and wellness. Lesbians could potentially have better orgasms and be healthier if they would learn to incorporate vaginal penetration into their sex lives. Healthy inter-vaginal points cause a healthier pelvis, spine elongation, which results in better posture, better energy, less discomfort of pain, better organ function so you have less menstrual and menopausal cramping, better bladder and bowel function, and it allows the pelvis to be in a better position for more fulfilling sex.
Where are these inter-vaginal points?
The inter-vaginal points line the walls of the vagina; you can have harder areas and softer areas. Much like your shoulders are probably tight because of stress, and the back of your arm, your triceps, is soft due to lack of tone.
Massaging these areas gently decreases the tightness and tones the areas that lack integrity, bringing an equal balance to the tissue.
How do you do a G-spot massage and how do you know if it’s working?
The easiest way to do this is with a G Spot stimulator. Gently explore the tissue, you may or may not feel or understand how the tissue feels or how it is changing but you will still notice a difference in your overall well-being. Look for changes in your posture, your attitude and how you feel. For those of you wanting to really practice and understand that, you [should look] for tissue changes. When you find a spot that feels like it does not let you sink in gently, do not push hard; instead just gently hold the G-spot stimulator over the spot and allow it to melt into the area. If you find areas that seem overly soft, then again hold the G-spot stimulator over the area pressing very gently and you will feel the tissue begin to gain firmness.
What’s the usual reaction when you tell women to do the G-spot self massage?
Many women are embarrassed at first and then they realize that it feels good to have a place to tell their story and ask questions. I find most women feel a bit isolated around these topics, and usually feel that everyone else understands but they do not. Having understanding and control over your own body makes a woman feel powerful and confident which of course leads to enthusiasm and fun. You can do this alone or with a supportive partner. Your healthcare practitioner will not be the one to do these points with you. It really comes down to legalities, which is why no one I know does these points on their clients any more.
Many women come into my practice by referral or, often, sent by their partner. I am doing bodywork on these women, working on them through the external muscles and energetically. I let them and the partner know that if I work on them they will start to feel—and is that OK? Women often say there body just doesn’t work anymore and they are not interested in sex. As we know this happens often in long-term relationships, but way too often in lesbian relationships. As many have said, It is not that I don’t want sex, I do not want the sex I am having. So by taking control of their body, they take control over their lives.
Do clients report back to you?
Women who have practiced these points usually come back with glowing reports. They speak of having experiences of less back pain or no pain, more control of their bladder, they have a swing back in their walk. They also begin to feel better about themselves, which leads to a better sex life. Many women begin to work out because they start to feel better resulting in weight loss and tone. I could tell you stories all day long. It is very rewarding to see the transformation in these women, their relationships and their lives.
Notes from Kendal:
The G-Spot as well as the internal vaginal walls are important focus points for women to open up to and heal from sexual trauma as well as many other life issues and blockages. In my Female Genital Massage Workshops and G-Spot Healing Workshops both men and women can experience a Live Demo. They can get questions answered by the instructors and learn in a safe and sacred space. This form of Show-N-Tell Sex Ed is a fundamental empowerment tool for many people on their path of sexuality and healing.
Why Show-N-Tell Sex Ed?
Why Live demo’s?
Why offer hands on training?
This is all to TABOO!!!!
Monkey See; Monkey Slam, Bam, Thank You, Ma’am!
It’s one thing for sex educators to talk about sex or show you pictures and graphs on a projector screen. It’s another thing entirely when sex educators show you how to do something, and invite you to ask questions… Especially when it’s not demonstrated on a piece of fruit, but on a real, live person!
Human beings are very much wired with a “monkey see, monkey do” mentality. Many of us learn best by watching. Because we are not allowed to learn about sex from watching others, our culture has turned to porn for tips and tricks in the sack.
With the ease and proliferation of free porn on the interwebs, now more than ever, porn is influencing how we behave behind closed doors (or in the back seat of our parent’s SUV). The problem with porn, in my opinion, isn’t that people are watching it; it’s that people are using porn as a How-To medium.s are very much wired with a “monkey see, monkey do” mentality. Many of us learn best by watching. Because we are not allowed to learn about sex from watching others, our culture has turned to porn for tips and tricks in the sack.
Watching porn isn’t the same as watching a qualified sex educator role model great communication techniques, ask permission, check in with their partner, get verbal permission from them before touching them, and then properly put a condom on while encouraging the spectators to ask questions.
There are several things when it comes to helping people learn about sex that are actually more easily learned if I show you the technique on a living, breathing human being and you can watch and ask us questions – an audience gets to see what “real sex” looks like. They can pick up the subtle nuances that aren’t always visible in pornography’s tightly choreographed and edited product. The more real the sex, the easier it is to grasp and transfer that feeling good and being respectful and safe has little to do with DD breasts, 12-inch cocks and squirting orgasms.
Yes, it’s a bit unorthodox by today’s standards to invite adults into a room to learn how to be a better lover by watching explicit, live demonstrations, but the simple fact is that even just talking openly about sex and intimacy in an honest and vulnerable manner is not the norm. There is so much work to be done! And there aren’t a lot of sex educators teaching explicit workshops.” — Reid Mihalko
Learn to feel your partner or any lover in a way never experienced before. These workshops are designed to help answer your most sensual questions. Each workshop is designed for Single’s or those in a relationship.
“This could not have been a better Event and Demo. It was given with both sensitivity and information enabling me to be much more loving, respectful and talented with the woman I am with in the future. Great Thanks, Alexander, Kendal and Sharon” — Sandy from Dallas (Dec.2012 Female Genital Massage Demo Workshop)
Over the course of my career as a Sex & Relationship Coach, Tantra Teacher I have explored many away to help my clients better grow in understanding, overcoming blockages, shame, fear, judgement’s, body image issues, relationship issues and pitfalls, and many intimate sexually related problems as well as learning how to manifest a life that they desire and deserve to live in total bliss and abundance. One of the most powerful events as a teacher is to see your student/client excel and reach past the boundaries that they thought they had to remain fearful off. To see someone achieve their dreams in life and live abundance in ALL ways not just one idea of it.
Show-N-Tell Sex Ed allows for barriers to be pushed, questions to be answered and understanding at a much deeper level to unfold through the experiential exercises and Live Demo’s provided in a workshop. The expansion that participant achieve is unlike no other. It is a perfect solution as well to those who want to explore but are not ready for one-on-one bodywork or even a couple’s session. The ability to view and possible do some hands on learning opens gateways of education. Although Show-N-Tell Sex Ed is still a taboo for many people in society I think an easy to digest way to look at it is through the artists eye not the pornographic eye.
Anyone who takes a college art class would not be surprised or feel it taboo to have a live nude model come in to the classroom for all the students to view and draw or mold a piece of art after. This is a NORM in the classroom, just as with many educational practices for doctors to view, handle and even explore on a nude or partially nude model. I mean do you really think that a Gyno just learns out of a book and from some video’s? No, hands on learning, show-n-tell experiences, this is where the true are of education and understanding happens.
” I did not know it was possible for a man to have a full body orgasm and not come. This workshop taught me techniques that I never knew about in all of my love-making history. Thank you Kendal and Alexander.” — Debbie (Jan. 2013 Male Genital Massage Demo Workshop)
Why is it that we as a society believe that we don’t need a deeper understanding of one of the most intimate, important and powerful parts of our lives as humans? Why do we put our sexuality and loving on the back burner? Why do we think a book is the only way to expand our sexual understanding? And who really believes that there is some set format to learning about these intimate matters of our human experience?
No matter where you are in the world if you have the opportunity to explore a Show-N-Tell Sex Ed Workshop from a Coach/teacher DO!!!! Your life will only improve as well as your love skills!
Let the Artist of your bedroom out to play TODAY!!!!
When I tell someone that I’m a sex coach, they generally find it confusing. Often, I will hear, “Oh, so like, you’re a sex therapist?” Well not exactly. “So then, what is it that you actually do?”
Sex coaching has made it to the news a few times recently and I was interviewed for a feature FOX News did on the topic. Yep, FOX News is talking about sex coaching! What progress we are making. Sex coaching has been sensationalized and even poked fun at because there is not a clear understanding of what sex coaches do. I think that’s because of a couple things:
1) Sex coaching is relatively new so many people have no baseline of information about it; and
2) People are really hung up about sex and don’t realize that we actually need to study, learn and be guided in order to be the best lovers and the happiest sexual people we can be.
A sex coach is someone who helps you with your sexual and relationship life so that you can heal your sexuality, fill in gaps in your sexuality education, and be more powerful as a sexual being. Sex coaches deal with sex head-on without any blame, shame, or negative judgment so that clients can talk about the things that are hard to talk about and get out of shame and into pleasure and fulfillment. We work with people who are single and with people in relationships. I work with both!
There are actually many different kinds of sex coaches. What I do is pretty unique and I use a system for coaching that I have developed organically out of the work that I have done with people for years. There are some things that every person who wants to work on their sexuality in a serious way will have to do in order to grow.
Sex coaches act as educators as part of our work because most people have had sub-par sex education. People need to learn the stuff no one ever taught them about sex from someone who knows about sex and isn’t going to pontificate about what they should and shouldn’t be doing. That’s the job of a priest, not a sex coach!
Sex coaching is different from therapy because it’s not focused on healing past wounds as much as it’s about creating your life in the present. So sex coaching can be therapeutic, yet it addresses your specific concerns in a powerful way that can transform your life.
“The Sessions” features Helen Hunt and John Hawkes as a sex surrogate and her disabled client.
Not all sex coaches are created equal. There is no standardized sex coaching training that coaches complete, although there are some programs that train sex coaches in specific types of coaching practices. For instance, some coaches work hands-on with clients. They might sit along side a client and help her learn how to have an orgasm while she masturbates herself. Some coaches lend more than a helping hand. Some practitioners identify as Sexological Body Workers, which is a hands-on approach to helping someone with their blocks and can be very powerful for the right clients. While the focus of my coaching is not this type of hands-on work, I have a lot of respect for it and for how powerfully it can change people’s lives and open them up to pleasure.
I take a holistic approach to sexuality in my coaching practice. I work with my “9 Essential Steps to a Sexually Empowered Life” because I know that sex operates in the context of one’s life, and that context must be worked on—not just what happens with the sex act itself. For this reason, my work also encompasses the relationships you choose to have, your emotional patterns that get in the way, your feelings about your body, the way you deal with sexual shame, and much more.
I know my work is very powerful and creates lasting transformation in my client’s lives. I absolutely love helping women and couples transform how they approach sex, how they love their bodies, how they develop and fulfill desire, how they shift frustrating patterns, and how they have the deeper intimacy and pleasurable relationships they so deserve. It’s an absolute honor to midwife people through a process of coming home to the self and honoring their own deepest desires.
If you or someone you know is interested in sex coaching, feel free to reach out to my team to set up a call and see if it’s right for you. I’d love to help, and if I’m not the right fit, we’ll find someone who is right for what you need.
I think that everyone needs help with their sexuality at some point in their life. The vast majority of people won’t actually seek out support. Will you be the one who will prioritize your sexuality and develop your sexual life? Or will you let it quietly fade away, or leave it alone in its shame to eat away at itself? The choice is yours, and now that you know there are options for you in order to develop your sexuality, I hope you’ll accept one…or two or three!
Here’s to expanding your sexual life in 2013!
By Amy Jo Goddard Original Article Posted at her WEBSITE HERE
When things first get sexy, mental chatter can drown out our partner’s heavy breathing. Sometimes, we’re not even aware of how our inner monologues effect our pleasuring behavior. I think you’re swell, dandy and darn good looking. Because I like you so much, I want you to have the best there is in the bedroom. Here are three common mediocre mantras that will not help our mission:
MANTRA #1: “I’m Going to Make You Cum”
VARIATION: ”I’m really good at fellatio/cunnilingus/[insert sex act here]“
Orgasm is not the goal. That would be pleasure. Orgasm is what happens when you’re busy having fun. A demanding sexual ego = Not Fun. Send that buzz kill of an expectation packing and enjoy everyone’s genitals unclenching.
MANTRA #2: “Am I doing this right!?”
VARIATION: “Oh please like this. Please, oh please?”
Where the first mantra is the pinnacle of egoism, this one is the height of insecurity. In the land of pleasure, there is no “right,” nor are there “should’s” or “must’s.” It is a land of wonderful possibility and infinite opportunity. Listen for ragged breathing, look for flushed skin and feel for tensing muscles. If their bodily arousal isn’t apparent, keep playing with sexual variables.
MANTRA #3: “This is How All My Other Partners Liked it”
VARIATION: “Why aren’t you working right!?”
Stop. Right. Now. Put down your habits. Do it quickly. Every new fun-time partner means expanding your hands-on skill set. FANTABULOUS! Just remember, with each new terrain comes new curves in the road. The first few times, you might wanna slow down around the bend.
And so, dear friend, if you hear any of the above rattling around, tell it to go “shush” itself and enjoy the panting. Go Team Fun!
Original Post from Sex Nerd Sandra