THE SURROGATE WIFE OR HUSBAND
About four years ago I was basically married to a man, all the married things without the paperwork attachments. We lived together. We paid bills, raised children, and had two of our own together. We travel, built a life in all ways and with that life we had our spousal “duties” all though no one ever wants to really embrace sex as a duty in today’s time.
Granted when the two of us came together, I was dating multiple men. I was enjoying my freedom after being married with all the trappings of paperwork and more for two decades, however at our union this man and I had agreed to have an open relationship. To keep everything above board. It sounded like a beautiful plan. And he as he always told me,
“ I don’t own you.”
“No one will ever love you the way I do. I value your freedom, even in your sex.”
That was a concept that I had a tough time believing but had experienced in my dating as I was committed to standing in my own integrity with each man I was seeing and was having success at it thus far. So why not try it in a more committed relationship?
To make matters even more exciting, he would tell me how much it aroused him to know that I was out with another man. He wanted pictures, video and stories in detail of the events that took place. It all appeared to be fun, adventurous, happy and creating healthy communication.
He wanted to share me and it turned him on to boot!
Anyone who is with someone, typically wants their partner to be turned on. We as humans find fulfillment, joy and worthiness in pleasing our mates sexually. If me being with other lovers made him excited and I got to enjoy the whole damn chocolate box without guilt, shame or deceit then what the hell was I waiting for. And so the relationship was one of openness with multiple sexual partners.
I am in complete gratitude for this experience because without it, like anything in life, I would not be the person that I am today. I would not be able to understand with empathy and compassion many different situations, nor would I have the depth of understanding of all channels of psyche that individuals come up against in couplehood and sexuality. Which is why I am sharing this story here today.
There is so much greatness in truth to open relationships.
Poly can be a beautiful display of connection and love.
It can be an empowered evolved level of relating when done right for the right reasons, however more often than not these are not what activate the sexy conversations of fantasy and actual acting out of bringing in other partners. 98% of the time couples venture down this path of opening up the relationship when they are in a toxic situation, struggling, lacking desire and are unsatisfied in their intimate worlds. In order for open relating to work you must only explore it as a real option of enhancement, like a cherry on the already amazing sunday you have, when you are feeling loved, desired, deeply connected in authentic communication and a place of strength. Otherwise you will discover that the exploration of playfully pulling in other people will lead you to massive wounding, pain and often separation.
As my personal story may show you.
Like I said when we got together I was dating multiple men. I had one man that was a significant person in my life that I had a heart connection with too, I was most certainly not willing at that stage of life to give him up, and so perhaps my partner was aware of this and knew that in order to get what he wanted he had to give me what I wanted. But that was not a healthy decision.
You see over the course of the years together my partner and I explored many adventures sexually. I gave him his pictures, stories and videos. We had the threesomes and moresomes. He was just as free as I was to go explore. The difference between us was that I found zero turn on in the idea of him with another, where he “needed” me to be with someone else and prove it to desire me.
Without the other lover at play our sex life was dry and almost obsolete. It was based only in duty or a quick stress release and what happened as I started to walk down a path of only having him as my sexual partner and stating it was that our sexual life became no more unless I was willing to allow for him to use me when he needed. This caused pain, distance, trauma and bitterness. He was angry at me for saying no to other lovers and he was not wanting to connect with me in any way sexually, romantically or emotionally any longer.
He needed the surrogate to be there for us to work.
The reality to the fact of when a mate says,
“ I want to share you. That is so hot. It turns me on to think of you with another.”
Is that the partner saying this is wanting to pawn off to the surrogate wife/husband duties of sex, romance, intimacy, etc. while keeping their safety, security, family unit intact.
It is a sales pitch in essence.
Knowing that all their partner craves for is connection.
Knowing that their partner wants to turn them on, to bring them pleasure and happiness they say that it turns them on, and it might because it is so taboo. But the taboo is short lived and must always be elevated in order to have the adrenalin which is what they are actually getting aroused by, not their mate.
When intimacy, romance, sex and just simply spending time with your wife or husband becomes a chore and you don’t want to deal with them around these subjects, it speaks volumes to major cracks that have happened either in the relationship or that are with the person’s ability to relate maturely and in love.
The best way to get exactly what you want is to make what you want the other person’s idea and appear to be what is best for them. Showing how concerned you are for them takes blame away from oneself and then when the boat crashes into the iceberg that is not seen, it is the mates fault who needed all of this outside of the relationship.
My tale is much like many people’s who I have witnessed in coaching over the last two decades.
It ends with the sinking of this ship. It ends with the fault being on the fact that I wanted intimacy and connection with my partner and was not happy with all the love and acceptance offered.
And the iceberg that took it down?
That was all the other relationships ending and me saying I just want us.
Just you and I.
And THAT he could not give me.
That was too much.
If you are in some format of relationship couplehood, if you are feeling unsatisfied, a loss of desire, feeling like sex is a duty and thinking, “ Maybe we need to just open this relationship up.”
I ask you to please pause.
To reach out and get the help to repair the cracks in the boat and then once done, if that desire is still there, to then get the help to set up a healthy strong container in love, boundaries and agreements needed to have a successful open relationship.
Relationship icebergs are everywhere.
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living”
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
- Kendal Rene’