Love Hurts Some Days.
“My chest hurts.
It is tight and full.
It is harboring a pain that I do not want to feel.
It is this haunting level of fear.
I sit here staring into the fire,
with a prayer in my mind,
with uncertainty in my being.
And a sensation of knowing.
Not the sort of knowing that any of us want to have.
No a knowing that something is wrong.
My gut is in knots.
My back is tense.
My chest feel like it is being stabbed.
The burning.
The burning of flames that I am lost in mediation will do nothing more than give visualization to the tremendous amount of heated pain that I feel. “
This was my journal entry just yesterday.
The shocking reality that I was hit with through the last week of my life was just how deeply I cared for someone that I have been resisting.
And the beautiful opportunity that has been presented to me to heal my own heart and also another’s yet again in this saga I call my life.
Love f-cking hurts some days at a level that we cannot fathom. It grabs a hold of us sometimes in a flicker, makes us warm and full of butterflies. Then at other times is creeps its way in and lingers in the shadows of our doubts and fears only to make itself known when the feeling of true loss rises up. Then we are given the chance to confront our feelings, to step into the love and to vocalize.
Once vocalized we are then given yet another opportunity for growth and love to expand even more.
We are given the opportunity to stand in it.
Yes to stand in the love and NOT run from it.
This can be one of the scariest experiences.
Because we have to come into the reality that we are feeling something. That we have a true fear of loosing this person in our lives and that it is okay to feel it.
The fact that this triggers us in such a fashion is evidence that it is doing healing work on past wounds around love, abandonment and unworthiness.
Everyone wants to be loved.
Everyone wants to be cherished.
Everyone wants to be felt, seen, heard.
And everyone desires for someone to just simply give a shit enough about them to miss them.
I don’t do a lot of missing people personally.
I live pretty unattached, letting everyone I care for and love live as they need and without me impressing my needs upon them too much. I aim to be strong enough in myself to not necessarily need anyone to fill me, but instead to add to the fullness I already have.
I love deeply.
And as a I was just sharing with a lover the other day, those who love me deeply back and I share a level of full being intimacy with and unconditional love with will NEVER leave my heart. I will forever be in love with them no matter how the relationship evolves.
This is where the unconditional aspect comes into play.
It is based from not needing anyone, but instead accepting the gift of their love and giving the gift of our love back.
Because that is what love is : A GIFT.
And it cannot be forced.
It cannot be made to happen according to how we perceive it needs too.
It is just a gift that is given over time and within a second.
It is just a gift that can only be felt when we are truly present with our own hearts enough to experience the offering of another’s.
Yet we lock ourselves up in these neat and tidy little boxes.
We hide from our hearts out of the fear of getting stung by love.
We fear that what we want to gift will not be reciprocated or appreciated and even worse that we are not worthy of being gifted it back.
This is nothing more than triggers of past hurts keeping our emotional armor up and preventing us from opening to the gift.
Love it offers us pain and pleasure.
It teaches us about our depths,
it teaches us about our darkness,
and it shows us our light.
I have been sitting with multiple things the last few days based on a love scenario.
As I sat without knowing if my love was safe, was well or where they were in this world I found myself first and foremost deeply concerned for their well being. I questioned myself about any feelings of past abandonment creeping in and I was a hard core no to that as I trust this persons integrity pretty firmly. When I leaned into my heart and into my core ( my genitals as I reefer to them as my GPS a.k.a intuition) I felt that this was not a goodbye or a run away but something dealing around well-being. So I focused on that concern. Feeling helpless, I chose to investigate as much as I could and to try to get the answers I needed to set my mind and heart at peace.
God would soon come to my rescue as usual.
Gifting me with a confirmation of life.
Once solved I found myself now dealing with an old belief and wound around worthiness of love, around abandonment and around my expectations on my relationship.
Stepping back away from the ego based thoughts and just witnessing them do their dance of chaos. Today has been breathtaking and filled with personal growth to say the least.
Because that is all that is happening.
My thoughts have decided to join a circus and put on a show for me, begging me to take part in the main ring.
Yet, if I do what I know is right and just lean back into my heart, my core ( my genitals as I reefer to them as my GPS a.k.a intuition) I regain my truth. And the truth is that I love this person and I do not need them to love me back. I do not need them to show up in any special fashion. I do not need them to do anything other than be who they are. The person that I fell in love with a few years ago. And what my GPS system is confident of is that no matter where the relationship evolves to, sharing my love and basking in theirs has been a GIFT.
So yes, love hurts on some days.
It can give us the greatest of pleasure and the worst of pain.
It reveals to us all side of our personality and ego.
But if we allow it to truly penetrate us.
To truly conquer us what we are gifted is far greater than what anything else will ever provide.
What we are gifted is an expansion in self.
A revealing of our truth to our core.
To our soul level.
And we are gifted a union with the divine.
Here in the space of true unconditional love we meet ourselves and learn that through the presence of love we have everything that we will ever need and we never need look any further than our own back yard.
For all that we crave resides right here within.
It is in our acceptance of self that we embrace this world and love deeply those whom we share it with.
I love you.
As always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
-KW